This Blog is

"F*** Kevin Durant" - Lil' B.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Which 2017 Social Media Fail are You?

Not every social media post or campaign is going to be successful for a company. 

Pick a soft drink:

a. Pepsi.
b. Coke. 
c. Gatorade.
d. I only drink water.

Pick a social networking site:

a. Youtube.
b. Anything without two-factor identification.
c. Twitter.
d. Your own corporate website.

Pick a plastic surgery:

a. Lip injections.
b. Liposuction.
c. Emergency corrective dental procedure.
d. Facial reconstruction surgery.

Your s/o catches you sending flirty messages to someone else on your phone, what’s your excuse?

a.  “(s)he was coming on to me.”
b. “Someone else was using my phone.”
c. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
d. “Maybe if you weren’t so crazy I’d be more loyal.”

Pick a hip hop artist:

a. Travis Scott.
b. Young Thug. 
c. Lil Yachty.
d. xxxtentaction.

Pick a kink/fetish: 

a. Sexy cop roleplay. 
b. BDSM.
c. Missionary with the lights off.
d. Mile high club.


If you picked MOSTLY A’s

You’re Kylie Jenner/Pepsi’s tone-deaf advertising:

You’re fake-woke as it gets. You’ve never read any actual literature on social reform, yet continue to virtue signal with 101-level knowledge by “calling out” illiterate rednecks in Facebook comment threads. In ~10 years you’ll look back and laugh at your “political phase” as you vote for the Conservative party because they promise to lower property taxes.

If you picked MOSTLY B’s

You’re McDonald’s hacked Twitter and anti-Trump tweet:

You’re the type of person who can’t be trusted to dog-sit a chia pet for a weekend. Basically, the human embodiment of Murphy’s Law. When you have a group project, you always get the easiest part. That way the people you’re working with know there’s an easy fix when you inevitably fuck it up. “YOU LITERALLY HAD ONE JOB” is the de facto phrase people yell at you in anger.

If you picked MOSTLY C’s

You’re Adidas’s Boston Marathon Tweet

You’re an okay person, but your painful lack of situational awareness means you have literally no social life. You lost all your friends at the last party you went to because you made the host cry and spilled some sort of sticky liquid all over the carpet. You haven’t had a second date in six years, and you probably think it’s because “nice guys finish last”. You can’t help but say the wrong thing at the wrong time, putting you on the fast track to being “creepy uncle” at family events.

If you picked MOSTLY D’s

You’re United Airlines’ Passenger Dragging Fiasco:

Congrats, you’re literally the worst type of person there is. You’re an abusive partner, a backstabbing friend, and the shadiest of businesspeople. What’s worse is your Machiavellian complex won’t allow you to feel remorse in the wake of all the failed relationships in your life. Luckily, you’re really productive at work, partially because you literally cannot sleep at night. Actually, you probably sleep like a baby, you sick bastard.

Which social media fail are you? Comment your results below!

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Earned Media for Assholes

Anyone who read my Newtown article in 2013 knows I don't pay much attention to mass shootings anymore. One major reason is because they happen like every week, so I'm kinda over it. The other reason is because I vote with my dollar/time/clicks, and I'm not letting these troglodytes domestic terrorists run a free media campaign on my watch.

Even before Eric and Dylan got a shout out from Marilyn Manson in Bowling for Columbine, deranged lunatics have seen perpetrating heinous acts of violence as a way to get the attention their parents never paid them. It works really well too. Searching the Vegas Killer's name on Google News returns 12,900,000 results from the last month. My name, by contrast, returns 5,700 results in the same period of time. There are thousands of paid media campaigns happening right now which can only aspire to that level of coverage. The Vegas shooter got it for free. All he had to do was kill 60 innocent people in cold blood.

Why is earned media for assholes such a bad thing? There's plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest mass shooters are motivated, at least partially, by the promise of notoriety. What's even more concerning is the legit scientific evidence suggesting media coverage of mass killings incites people to go out and do the same thing within a week or two. Turning these people into celebrities motivates more of them to exist.

Some people suggest the solution is to stop publicizing the names and motives of the shooters. Like that's gonna happen. CNN et. al draw way too many viewers putting a lunatic dressed like Batman on Front Street. Fox knows nothing drives engagements like linking a 200 page fascist manifesto to their Facebook page. "If it bleeds, it leads", they say. Since people eat this stuff up, it's going to be front page news. Unfortunately, so long as it's front page news, it's gonna keep happening.

I think the obvious solution is for people like you and I to stop engaging with these killer's public profiles. I can understand reading the story the day after a shooting happens, but is it necessary to refresh Twitter all week looking for "more information"? Here's what all these shootings boil down to: some asshole shot a bunch of innocent people in public. The end. Anything more than a cursory search for information is giving these shooters what they want - notoriety and a platform for their hatred.

Think of a mass shooting as a PR campaign. Every click/comment/share strengthens the brand metrics. Especially considering these are campaigns of hate, where "any publicity is good publicity." The story published three weeks post-shooting about the killer's girlfriend's aunt's dog is a titillating read, but it's also giving the wrong people earned media coverage they don't deserve. Let them take out billboards and pay for sponsored content if they wanna be famous. Don't click those links.

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Bad Social Media Etiquette

Some people treat social media like a diary. They write anything they want, oversharing personal information like nobody's watching. Or like only the people they want to watch are watching. This is not the case. When you post on social media, it's like you're having a conversation, and everyone you know is the FBI listening in the van outside.

Are you worried you may be a social media over-sharer? Unsure what is appropriate for the internet and what you should keep to yourself? Well don't worry, ya boy Mrs. Manners is here with  a crash course on social media etiquette. Here's a few tips.

Miserable + Mundane = Bad

Cool story, bro.
I don't expect every social media post to be a revelation in human thought. That being said, come on people! When you're miserable, sharing the most mundane, thoughtless parts of your day brings everyone down. Ever hear people say "nobody cares what you had for lunch?" Well, I can assure you ABSOLUTELY nobody cares if you got a tummy ache after devouring the burrito you just posted on Instagram. If you feel the compulsive need to post every single thought entering your head, at least try to be positive, like my boy Metro Boomin'.

Much better!
I know we're comparing a verified Twitter account to a person with 500 Facebook friends, but look at the engagement percentage on the positive mundane post compared to the negative mundane post. We're talking about a time difference of 11 hours too.

From the mundane, to the overly dramatic...

Subtweeting Sucks

@ somebody, mami.
I was older than 12 when social media was invented, so I've never understood calling somebody out online without tagging them. It seems like the most childish thing you could do. Also, it's super pointless. You realize the people you're sub-tweeting about can see your posts, right? Plus everyone else who follows you is gonna be like "whoa, this person is really boring and passive-aggressive. I like them less than I did before reading this." Instead of being passive-aggressive, try being aggressive-aggressive and using that @ symbol instead. Fun for everyone involved! 
Everyone loves some twitter beef.
See! Look at the engagement numbers. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS, PEOPLE!

Chill with the personal rants.

Okay, dog.
Yo. I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a bad idea. If you're thinking about posting something like this, please don't. There are hotlines you can call instead.

PS: People who comment "what's wrong buddy?" or "it's gonna be okay" are only making it worse. You know how they say not to feed the raccoons at Algonquin Park because they'll just come back looking for more food? Commenting on someone's social media meltdown does same thing with their shitty behaviour. Try calling the cops on them instead.

Which brings me to my next point...

Why are you trying to finesse drugs?

Bait City and you're the mayor.
In social media class, we learned you shouldn't post something unless you would want your grandma or boss to see it. I can't think of a single person who would want their grandma to know they purchase illegal narcotic stimulants, so why do I see people posting "who's got the coke hookup?" on FACEBOOK! Remember what I said earlier about everyone you know being the FBI in the van outside? Well, the actual FBI can monitor your social media too, so chill with the drug talk, hombres.

That's all the bad social media etiquette I can think of for now. If you have anything else, leave it in the comments below. 

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

End of a Year 2016 - Albums

There were so many lit albums in 2016, it took me six months to sort out which ones were the best. Here ya go

10: Gucci - Everybody Looking

9: Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book

8: Future - Purple Reign

7: Lil B' - Thugged Out Pissed Off

6: Ariana Grande - Dangerous Woman

5: Young Thug - Jeffery

4: Self Defense Family - All True at the Same Time

3: Gloss - Trans Day of Revenge

2: Troy Ave - Roland Collins

1: Drake - Views

Honourable Mention:

Kevin Gates - Islah, Danny Brown - Atrocity Exhibit, God's Hate - Mass Murder, Nothing - Tired of Tomorrow, Boosie - In My Feelings, Tory Lanez - New Toronto.