It Gets Better, Kids

Fumbling through the Internet trying to get into Set Your Goals (with mixed results), I came across Rise Against's new video for their song “Make It Stop (September's Children)”. The video was made to support the “It Gets Better” Campaign. If you don't know what that is, I urge you to check this out. Aside from putting a massive lump in my throat, the video reminded me of something I was going to do, but never got around to. I covered a story for my college newspaper just as the campaign was getting big, and I don't think I've ever felt as attached to a story in my life. I wanted to do something to help, but since I am neither gay nor good at videocasts, I decided to skip making a video and write something instead. Six-eight months later, here it is.

When I was 17, I attempted suicide. I won't get into the details, but I will say it was easily the lowest point in my life. There were a number of things going on at the time that I was having trouble dealing with – I had girl problems, my grades were too low to get into a good school, I was constantly butting heads with my parents and I felt alienated by friends and peers. One night these factors -- combined with a cocktail of bad weed, teen angst, and a particularly shitty winter -- became too much for me. I decided I was going to end my life.

In retrospect, that was the stupidest idea I've ever had.

As the saying goes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Looking back on my attempt, everything I thought was unsolvable actually ended up working out for the better. My relationship with the girl in question grew to become one of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had; Instead of going to a prestigious school, I ended up at community college, where I greatly benefited from the practical learning environment without giving up the life-lesson/meeting great people part of college. Perhaps most importantly, the struggle made me closer with my family and the friends who helped me through than I ever was before. The things I wanted to die over turned out to be very important factors in shaping the rest of my life, which has been pretty damn good so far.

Now, I realize these problems are petty compared to what some gay kids are going through. I've never had to come to school every day fearing emotional and physical abuse; nor have I been eschewed by family and friends for a “decision” I never made; nor have I been told by politicians, preachers, and other “adults” that my instincts are “inherently wrong”. I can, however, tell you a few things I've learned since high school (roughly 2 years ago) that are ubiquitous among people who went through a lot of shit when they were teenagers (namely, everyone).

First of all, after you get out of high school, nobody gives a shit about your “flaws”. This especially applies for gay people. Once you get into post-secondary education/the real world, you'll find that the vast majority of people you know will either a) accept you for who you are, or b) be too wrapped up in passing tests/making friends/paying rent to care. And if any low-down moron actually has anything to say about your sexual orientation, guess what? You'll be too busy with your own problems to care what that asshat thinks of you. The same goes for straight kids. In high school, people have time to build social hierarchies based on who's dating who or who's wearing what. Once you get older, you find yourself not having the expendable energy to concern yourself with anybody but the people who stimulate you and make you happy.

I've also learned that there is so much more to life than high school. In the last two years, I've done things and met people that not only made me realize how foolish I was, but also made the hard times worth it. It's impossible to put in perspective the scope knowledge, life experience and, most importantly, the relationships I've gained since I was 17, and I'm only 20. Imagine how much more I'll have seen and done when I'm 23! Think about the things on the road ahead of you; moving out for the first time, your first real job, being able to drink legally, finding someone to settle down with – simple pleasures that are still oh-so-life affirming. Believe me, these are all things that make what you're going through worth it in the end.

When I was dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, the world seemed like a cold, confusing place. The coldest and most alienating part of it was feeling like nobody understood what I was going through. I can tell you now with confidence that everyone understands. Every adult on the face of the earth has been in the same position as you at one point in their lives, and any decent adult (or worthwhile friend) should be more than willing to help you get out of it. So, if you need help, reach out. Tell your parents. Tell your friends. Tell your cool uncle. Tell a teacher/community leader/adult you trust. E-mail somebody you admire and ask them for help. Call Kids Help Phone or the Trevor Project or whatever the hell else is out there. Do what I did, seek professional help, and then hunker down with some good music and start writing like mad. Hell, e-mail me (gugl0003@gmail.com), I'll talk to you about whatever's bothering you.

Whatever you do choose to do, stay alive.

I know it can be hard sometimes, but just remember – these are some of the most difficult and miserable years of your life. Once you get past this, it gets a whole hell of a lot better. Trust me.