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"F*** Kevin Durant" - Lil' B.

Thursday, 12 October 2017

Which 2017 Social Media Fail are You?

Not every social media post or campaign is going to be successful for a company. 

Pick a soft drink:

a. Pepsi.
b. Coke. 
c. Gatorade.
d. I only drink water.

Pick a social networking site:

a. Youtube.
b. Anything without two-factor identification.
c. Twitter.
d. Your own corporate website.

Pick a plastic surgery:

a. Lip injections.
b. Liposuction.
c. Emergency corrective dental procedure.
d. Facial reconstruction surgery.

Your s/o catches you sending flirty messages to someone else on your phone, what’s your excuse?

a.  “(s)he was coming on to me.”
b. “Someone else was using my phone.”
c. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
d. “Maybe if you weren’t so crazy I’d be more loyal.”

Pick a hip hop artist:

a. Travis Scott.
b. Young Thug. 
c. Lil Yachty.
d. xxxtentaction.

Pick a kink/fetish: 

a. Sexy cop roleplay. 
b. BDSM.
c. Missionary with the lights off.
d. Mile high club.


If you picked MOSTLY A’s

You’re Kylie Jenner/Pepsi’s tone-deaf advertising:

You’re fake-woke as it gets. You’ve never read any actual literature on social reform, yet continue to virtue signal with 101-level knowledge by “calling out” illiterate rednecks in Facebook comment threads. In ~10 years you’ll look back and laugh at your “political phase” as you vote for the Conservative party because they promise to lower property taxes.

If you picked MOSTLY B’s

You’re McDonald’s hacked Twitter and anti-Trump tweet:

You’re the type of person who can’t be trusted to dog-sit a chia pet for a weekend. Basically, the human embodiment of Murphy’s Law. When you have a group project, you always get the easiest part. That way the people you’re working with know there’s an easy fix when you inevitably fuck it up. “YOU LITERALLY HAD ONE JOB” is the de facto phrase people yell at you in anger.

If you picked MOSTLY C’s

You’re Adidas’s Boston Marathon Tweet

You’re an okay person, but your painful lack of situational awareness means you have literally no social life. You lost all your friends at the last party you went to because you made the host cry and spilled some sort of sticky liquid all over the carpet. You haven’t had a second date in six years, and you probably think it’s because “nice guys finish last”. You can’t help but say the wrong thing at the wrong time, putting you on the fast track to being “creepy uncle” at family events.

If you picked MOSTLY D’s

You’re United Airlines’ Passenger Dragging Fiasco:

Congrats, you’re literally the worst type of person there is. You’re an abusive partner, a backstabbing friend, and the shadiest of businesspeople. What’s worse is your Machiavellian complex won’t allow you to feel remorse in the wake of all the failed relationships in your life. Luckily, you’re really productive at work, partially because you literally cannot sleep at night. Actually, you probably sleep like a baby, you sick bastard.

Which social media fail are you? Comment your results below!

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Earned Media for Assholes

Anyone who read my Newtown article in 2013 knows I don't pay much attention to mass shootings anymore. One major reason is because they happen like every week, so I'm kinda over it. The other reason is because I vote with my dollar/time/clicks, and I'm not letting these troglodytes domestic terrorists run a free media campaign on my watch.

Even before Eric and Dylan got a shout out from Marilyn Manson in Bowling for Columbine, deranged lunatics have seen perpetrating heinous acts of violence as a way to get the attention their parents never paid them. It works really well too. Searching the Vegas Killer's name on Google News returns 12,900,000 results from the last month. My name, by contrast, returns 5,700 results in the same period of time. There are thousands of paid media campaigns happening right now which can only aspire to that level of coverage. The Vegas shooter got it for free. All he had to do was kill 60 innocent people in cold blood.

Why is earned media for assholes such a bad thing? There's plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest mass shooters are motivated, at least partially, by the promise of notoriety. What's even more concerning is the legit scientific evidence suggesting media coverage of mass killings incites people to go out and do the same thing within a week or two. Turning these people into celebrities motivates more of them to exist.

Some people suggest the solution is to stop publicizing the names and motives of the shooters. Like that's gonna happen. CNN et. al draw way too many viewers putting a lunatic dressed like Batman on Front Street. Fox knows nothing drives engagements like linking a 200 page fascist manifesto to their Facebook page. "If it bleeds, it leads", they say. Since people eat this stuff up, it's going to be front page news. Unfortunately, so long as it's front page news, it's gonna keep happening.

I think the obvious solution is for people like you and I to stop engaging with these killer's public profiles. I can understand reading the story the day after a shooting happens, but is it necessary to refresh Twitter all week looking for "more information"? Here's what all these shootings boil down to: some asshole shot a bunch of innocent people in public. The end. Anything more than a cursory search for information is giving these shooters what they want - notoriety and a platform for their hatred.

Think of a mass shooting as a PR campaign. Every click/comment/share strengthens the brand metrics. Especially considering these are campaigns of hate, where "any publicity is good publicity." The story published three weeks post-shooting about the killer's girlfriend's aunt's dog is a titillating read, but it's also giving the wrong people earned media coverage they don't deserve. Let them take out billboards and pay for sponsored content if they wanna be famous. Don't click those links.

Thursday, 21 September 2017

Bad Social Media Etiquette

Some people treat social media like a diary. They write anything they want, oversharing personal information like nobody's watching. Or like only the people they want to watch are watching. This is not the case. When you post on social media, it's like you're having a conversation, and everyone you know is the FBI listening in the van outside.

Are you worried you may be a social media over-sharer? Unsure what is appropriate for the internet and what you should keep to yourself? Well don't worry, ya boy Mrs. Manners is here with  a crash course on social media etiquette. Here's a few tips.

Miserable + Mundane = Bad

Cool story, bro.
I don't expect every social media post to be a revelation in human thought. That being said, come on people! When you're miserable, sharing the most mundane, thoughtless parts of your day brings everyone down. Ever hear people say "nobody cares what you had for lunch?" Well, I can assure you ABSOLUTELY nobody cares if you got a tummy ache after devouring the burrito you just posted on Instagram. If you feel the compulsive need to post every single thought entering your head, at least try to be positive, like my boy Metro Boomin'.

Much better!
I know we're comparing a verified Twitter account to a person with 500 Facebook friends, but look at the engagement percentage on the positive mundane post compared to the negative mundane post. We're talking about a time difference of 11 hours too.

From the mundane, to the overly dramatic...

Subtweeting Sucks

@ somebody, mami.
I was older than 12 when social media was invented, so I've never understood calling somebody out online without tagging them. It seems like the most childish thing you could do. Also, it's super pointless. You realize the people you're sub-tweeting about can see your posts, right? Plus everyone else who follows you is gonna be like "whoa, this person is really boring and passive-aggressive. I like them less than I did before reading this." Instead of being passive-aggressive, try being aggressive-aggressive and using that @ symbol instead. Fun for everyone involved! 
Everyone loves some twitter beef.
See! Look at the engagement numbers. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS, PEOPLE!

Chill with the personal rants.

Okay, dog.
Yo. I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a bad idea. If you're thinking about posting something like this, please don't. There are hotlines you can call instead.

PS: People who comment "what's wrong buddy?" or "it's gonna be okay" are only making it worse. You know how they say not to feed the raccoons at Algonquin Park because they'll just come back looking for more food? Commenting on someone's social media meltdown does same thing with their shitty behaviour. Try calling the cops on them instead.

Which brings me to my next point...

Why are you trying to finesse drugs?

Bait City and you're the mayor.
In social media class, we learned you shouldn't post something unless you would want your grandma or boss to see it. I can't think of a single person who would want their grandma to know they purchase illegal narcotic stimulants, so why do I see people posting "who's got the coke hookup?" on FACEBOOK! Remember what I said earlier about everyone you know being the FBI in the van outside? Well, the actual FBI can monitor your social media too, so chill with the drug talk, hombres.

That's all the bad social media etiquette I can think of for now. If you have anything else, leave it in the comments below. 

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

End of a Year 2016 - Albums

There were so many lit albums in 2016, it took me six months to sort out which ones were the best. Here ya go

10: Gucci - Everybody Looking

9: Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book

8: Future - Purple Reign

7: Lil B' - Thugged Out Pissed Off

6: Ariana Grande - Dangerous Woman

5: Young Thug - Jeffery

4: Self Defense Family - All True at the Same Time

3: Gloss - Trans Day of Revenge

2: Troy Ave - Roland Collins

1: Drake - Views

Honourable Mention:

Kevin Gates - Islah, Danny Brown - Atrocity Exhibit, God's Hate - Mass Murder, Nothing - Tired of Tomorrow, Boosie - In My Feelings, Tory Lanez - New Toronto.

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

End of a Year 2015: Songs

You're smart. You're loyal. You're still reading this. I love you.

30. Space Pope feat. Yung Sneezy- "H.O.M.J.S." (Fun in the Sun Vol. 1)
29. Wiki- "Lil' Me" (Lil' Me)
28. Jazz Cartier- "The Downtown Cliché" (Marauding in Paradise)
27. Small Town Lungs- "Scavenger" 
26. Taylor Swift- "I Wish You Would" (1989)
25. A$AP Rocky feat. Lil' Wayne - "M'$" (At.Long.Last.A$AP)
24. Big Sean feat. E-40- "I Don't Fuck With You" (Dark Sky Paradise)
23. Taylor Swift - "Blank Space" (1989)
22. Kendrick Lamar- "i" (To Pimp a Butterfly)
21. War on Women- "Second Wave Goodbye" (War on Women)
20. The Weeknd- "The Hills" (Beauty Behind the Madness)
19. Kid Ink feat. Dej Loaf- "Be Real" (Full Speed)
18. Kevin Gates- "Plug Daughter" (I Don't Get Tired 2)
17. Earl Sweatshirt- "Faucet" (I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside)
16. Young Thug- "Best Friend" (Slime Season)
15. Taylor Swift- "How You Get The Girl" (1989)
14. Rae Sremmurd- "No Flex Zone" (SremmLife)
13. Future feat. Drake- "Where Ya At?" (DS2)
12. War on Women- "Say It" (War on Women)
4. Young Thug- "Numbers" (Barter 6)

Saturday, 2 January 2016

End of a Year 2015: Albums

Hey, I just wanna give a shoutout to all the greedy recording artists and label execs who pull all their music off of Youtube, forcing me to link illegitimate soundclouds that will probably cease to exist in a couple of weeks. Thanks for making it hard for people to give you free promotion, you troglodytes!

Here are the 10 best albums of 2015:

the Weeknd
10. Earl Sweatshirt - I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside: An Album by Earl Sweatshirt (Tan Cressida/Columbia)

This album probably would've been ranked higher, if I wasn't too busy liking shit and going outside to listen to it all year.

Listen to "Faucet"

9. The Weeknd - Beauty Behind the Madness (XO/Republic)

And the winner for "album playing during the most coke-fuel sexcapades, 2015 edition" goes to...

Listen to "Acquainted"

8. Title Fight - Hyperview (ANTI-)

I just want everyone to know Pitchfork gave this album a 7.6, which is the highest conceivable score those butt-sniffers will give a non-gimmick punk band. I also want everyone to know this isn't even really a punk album, so stop being a herb and listen to it.

Listen to "Murder Your Memory"

Self Defense Family
7. Freddie Gibbs - Shadow of a Doubt (ESGN/Empire Distribution)

If you ever find yourself thinking, "man, I really like Future, but I wish I could understand what the fuck he was saying," Gangster Gibbs is probably your man.

Listen to "Careless"

6. Future - DS2 (A1/Freebandz/Epic)

If you ever find yourself thinking, "man, I really like Freddie Gibbs, but I wish I couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying," Future is probably your man.

5. Self Defense Family - Heaven is Earth (Deathwish)

This is the best album to date from a band who puts out a lot of albums.

Young Thug
4. Quentin Miller  Drake - If You're Reading This it's Too Late (Cash Money)

2015: the year Drake became a meme.

3. Young Thug - Barter 6 (300/Atlantic)

Fwagatwagabrrapojaba-kakakaka-raks-raks-raaaaaaaaaaaks (wut?) bhaaeeeyaah-whagablagaboochie (blap-blap-SKREEEEEE) tdsafagjadboifagiea-eee-ee-groceriiieeeeeeeeezzzze (tugga-tugga-twAAH)

2. Taylor Swift - 1989 (Big Machine)

Did I put this album at number two because it was released in 2014, or do I actually like it less than the album I put at number one? Tune in five years from now, to my End of the Decade special, to find out!

War on Women
1. War on Women - War on Women (Bridge 9)

PSA to anyone born after 1985: It's the year 2015. If you don't fuck with hardcore and feminism by now, either read a book or kill yourself. As for the album - the lyrics are provocative and often hilarious, the guitar is super-catchy, the drumming is really tight, and I can't hear the bass in the mix. 10/10.

Honourable Mention:

Big Sean - Dead Sky Paradise
Meek Mill - Dreams Worth More Than Money
Jazz Cartier - Marauding in Paradise
Kid Ink - Full Speed
Wiki - Lil' Me
The Story So Far - S/T
Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly

Monday, 24 August 2015

Interview With Small Town Lungs

Seeing people you grew up with succeed is always a gratifying thing. While Small Town Lungs aren't a household name quite yet, these Whitby boys have all the talent and bravado to become one of the "next big things" in Canadian indie rock. I recently sat down with the band (and about 15 other drunken revelers) on the patio of Biermarket in Toronto to talk about the "Next Big Thing" experience, making a music video, and hearing themselves on the radio. Enjoy.

Introduce yourselves and say what you do in the band
Tom: I'm Tom, I'm lead vocals, guitar, and some keyboard.
Zach: I'm Zach, I play drums and do vocals.
Rowan: I'm Rowan, I play guitar, I do vocals, and I play synth.
Kory: I'm Kory, I play guitar and keys, and percussion.
Jason: I'm Jason, I play bass and synth, and I do vocals.

You've been played on the radio, you sold out a show in your home town, and you're about to play the Phoenix tomorrow to a capacity crowd. You've done a lot of things in a year and a half of being a band that most bands never get to do. How does it feel?

[Note: the band was set to play in the Edge's “Next Big Thing” concert the following day, at the Phoenix Concert Theatre]
Tom: I guess it's just that, we're all motivated to the point where those things feel like the next step for us. Like obviously this Phoenix Show and stuff, it's all crazy. But we're trying to put as much work into it as we can, and whatever comes along with that, we'll take it.
Rowan: Like, people keep saying “oh, aren't you excited for this, this is crazy right?” and it's like, of course, but I have bigger plans for us, you know? I want us to play a bunch of big shows. It's really cool that we're in this contest, but I want it to be a regular thing.
Jason: Even if we don't win, the amount of exposure we've gotten from this alone, and like the people we've met – we got to sit down with people from Dine Alone records – no matter what, it's been an incredible experience.

And you guys got to be on the radio.
Zach: It was funny; we were on our way to WayHome when they played “Scavenger”, and we ended up getting lost. They ran our segment right as we were in the part of the trip where you have to do a lot of turns and stuff, and as soon as it came on we were like, “forget directions, we're just gonna bask in this.” Right as the song ended, we're like “okay, we're waaay out of the way now.” (laughs)

Do you feel overwhelmed at all, being a newer band and having all this crazy stuff happen to you?
Kory: Absolutely...
Zach: But we do everything we can to like, not be overwhelmed. We put a lot of time in and do everything we can to be mentally prepared, but it's all going pretty quick.
Jason: It's probably the only time in our lives where all of us can say that we've been overwhelmed, but in the way that it's a positive experience.

How did you guys meet each other?
Tom: Zach and I knew each other for quite a while, we've been friends for a long time. We met Rowan in high school, and we knew of Jay and Kory though the Durham music scene. We were all in metal bands, except for Rowan.

Like, tech metal or like, throwing your fists around metal?
Kory: We were like, metalcore...
Tom: Yeah, you guys were throwing your fists, we were more a little bit more death metal.

Yeah, I seen you tapping on stage...
Tom: That's where it comes from, man (laughs).

So, you guys all go to Fanshawe College in London?
Rowan: Except for Zach.
Jason: We're all in different graduating classes of the same program.
Tom: We're taking music industry arts.
Kory: I think, like, music industry arts at Fanshawe is the place to be for aspiring musicians and engineers and such. We all kind of had that direction, so it was the best place to end up.
Tom: It helps a lot, because we all have the same knowledge base. I think that's why we're so technically oriented. Like, you saw it tonight; our set up on stage is pretty complicated, and I don't think we'd be able to do that if we all hadn't had the same experience, collectively. We can always look to each other for fixing technical problems which means we're able to take on those challenges.

[At this point my friend Tanner, who is also a friend of the band, and was with us that night, had a question he wanted to ask]
Tanner: What do you think your biggest challenge is as a band to overcome? Like, not in terms of arguing, but just like, challenges in terms of co-ordinating for the next big show, or recording, or whatever.
Kory: I think we're all like, pretty opinionated in terms of being songwriters. So if there's even just a single bar in a song that someone really enjoys and everyone else is like “naaah...”, it can be a bit of a fight to figure out what that fight is gonna be.
Rowan: We always end up figuring it out though. Like the first song, “Golden Thread”, I really wanted this one drumbeat, and Zach wanted this other drumbeat, so we went to eat food and we were all like, pissed at each other. But eventually we all just cooled down.

I saw from another interview that you guys approach songwriting like you're writing a movie almost. Is that something they taught you at Fanshawe, or did you get it from another band, or did you come up with it yourselves?
Zach: We're all just pretty big into film. It's sort of an unspoken thing, we don't ever talk about it when we're writing, it just sort of happens.
Tom: It's got a lot to do with trying to add the cinematic element to the live show. So when we write songs it's not really like “okay, we have a verse, let's add a chorus”, you know what I mean? When we're doing the live show, we want it to be an experience. Like how when you're watching a film, it takes you through different emotions and explores different areas of the human consciousness. With some bands, the live show is all about coming out to dance. That's a lot of fun, and there's a place for it, but as a band, our goal is to have people come out and take something from it.

I've noticed from watching you play a couple times that you're quite a technically proficient band. How hard is it to balance the progressive elements of your music with the actual songwriting?
Zach: I don't think we really think about that, actually.
Rowan: There's no real boundary to it. It's like, “why can't we use tapping here? Who's stopping us?” There aren't any rules, really.
Kory: As long as it serves the song. If you can do something crazy and it sounds good, it's all good.

I saw you put out a video the other day, wanna talk about that for a little bit?
Kory: That was a very fun experience, actually. Our buddies Kyle Marchen and Van Wickiam directed it.

What was your favourite part about doing it?
Rowan: It was so neat being around there. There were like 30 people in this place with ladders, doing a bunch of random stuff, and we were like “wow, this is for us?” It made me think about when [either Tom or Kory] started showing me Small Town Lungs stuff and said “we should make a band out of this,” and I was like, yeah that's kinda cool. Now there's like 30 people making a video of it. It's kinda messed up to think about how it far it's come.

So to close it out, is there anyone you guys wanna shout out?
(a whole bunch of indiscernible yelling and laughter)
Tom: Just generally, I wanna thank everybody who's been supportive through this whole thing. Even you guys [referring to the band's high school friends in attendance], I haven't seen you guys in so long, and for you guys to be so enthusiastic, it's really cool to see. All the support we've gotten has been fantastic.